I Fell Down the Stairs Again

This morning, I feel like I was in a bar fight... but as the person curled into a ball, on the floor, getting kicked in the back as punches flew up top.

Look, I’m clumsy. I bump into table corners and have broken a few too many glasses/bowls. I can be found tripping over my own feet and have learned how to minimize damage when catching myself after my knee gives out. But there’s nothing that makes me feel quite as useless as a human being as not being able to walk down stairs.

I know it’s not a fair assessment of my ability to navigate different levels of a building. I manage to make is down without injury 1000:1. But those aren’t the instances that stick out.

It’s the 2 times I’ve missed those last 4 steps in the one year and one month we’ve had these particular stairs. (Note: two separate landings)

It’s the 10 minutes immediately following that instant when I set my foot down a little too far forward on the step and then I’m taking the quick way down.

It’s the first second of recognition that, yes, I did just feel those sharp edges in my back/butt. But this time, I didn’t hit my head, and I’ve stopped falling, so I’m going to be okay now….maybe.

I start to catalog the damage out of habit.

Logically, I know there isn’t a toddler standing on my chest. But I’ve just fallen down the stairs. Logic isn’t the reaction at the forefront of my mind just then. I’ve had the wind knocked out of me too many times before, but it’s never quite the same, but I don’t remember that right away. I always assume it’ll be like the time I decided it would be a good idea to drop from the monkey bars straight onto my back when I was six (sawdust was not a good enough cushion for your playground, North Bay Elementary School).

And there’s that 0.3 second moment where I wonder if maybe, this time, that horrific popping sound sound means I’ve actually broken my back. But somehow through the shallow breaths, my brain spares just enough sense to let me recognize that my limbs are, in fact, moving.

And then my brain does kick back into gear and that’s when my least favorite part comes: the crying. Not because I can’t breathe unless it’s in sharp little intakes. Not because I’m worried about the state of my spine… I’m up and walking away from the scene of the crime at that point. No, I’m crying because I’m the idiot who can’t manage stairs.

And I know it’s a stupid thing to be mad at myself for, but I can’t stop and that makes it worse. Because ability to travel the stairs, or so any other physical activity has nothing to do with intelligence. At most, I can blame myself for not paying enough attention, but my brain isn’t playing that game.

So this morning, I feel like a walking bruise--even if I have none to show for it. I’m avoiding applying pressure to the skinless patch on my elbow. And I’m considering how much it would cost to install four, narrow slides in that stairwell.

Independence Day and the Sketchy Ping Pong Ball of Intelligence

As of yesterday, I’ve seen both of the Independence Day films twice.

I hadn’t seen the first one until earlier this year. How that oversight came about? I have no idea.

As always, I have opinions. But for this particular post, I’m going to focus on one particular thought and its surrounding items.

The virtual life form that looks like Marvin’s head from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy film.

I get the worst vibes from that spherical entity. And maybe I’m alone in that, but something about showing up to collect refugees and taken them back to a planet feels super sketchy. Pretty sure that’s the lead-up to the subjugation of the human race.

DO NOT TRUST THOSE CLAIMING TO BE PURELY ALTRUISTIC.

And maybe I’m prescribing too human of attributes to it, but its motivations and the story it feeds Okun and the others does not feel legitimate. If the virtual being thinks us so primitive, why would it come to collect survivors to help in its quest to destroy the harvesters? Why would it need us? Ignore, for a moment that in this AU, the world has managed to defeat the harvesters twice—it wouldn’t have known that when it set out—what use does it have for so-called primitive life forms? Does it’s “rescue” come with the demand for manual labor?

Sure SF humanity has a way of thinking outside of the box and pulling miracles out of our asses from time to time, but the sphere of intelligence doesn’t know that.

I don’t trust it and neither should you. DO AS I SAY!

This is probably one of the less problematic issues with the film, which I like on a purely alien-candy enjoyment level, but it’s one that keeps surfacing among the other thoughts that actually make me mad.

A Whole Future of Nope

It is no secret that I like bad movies.

 

There’s something special about a film that makes its way full circle to be entertaining though the awfulness.

 

Streaming services have made these things readily accessible. And have given we nerds who look for these things. the opportunity to sift through the infinite possibilities.

 

Netflix and Hulu are great for indie productions, and I’ve found HBO Go to be a perfect opportunity for those movies that I have to pause on and think: I totally forgot about that.

 

Sometimes the movies are even actually good, despite having a minimal budget, a no-name cast, and a terrible cover image.

 

Sometimes… the bad doesn’t fall into that perfect zone.

 

This last week, I stumbled upon Babylon A.D. in the long string of HBO Go offerings. And it was one of those instances of “Hey, I totally forgot about that film.”

Having now watched it… I rather wish I’d continued to forget about it.

 

It wasn’t enough.

I’ve read a lot of random things about Vin Diesel’s acting (more specifically about the director’s negative views) and I have to tell you. Wooden acting was not the biggest problem here. If it was a simple matter of bad acting Mark Strong’s* part shouldn’t have been just as painful.

 

The heavy gloom of the bits in Russia and the startling normalcy of the North American settings were too disparate without something in between other than a submarine and snow. The wide pan glitter of America didn’t make sense with the close-up view. It tried to go in two different directions and didn’t make it quite far enough in either.

 

The adaptation of the novel is utter nonsense. The dialog was telling. The plot overly predictable. And the ending was beyond eye-roll-worthy.

 

TL;DR - Babylon A.D isn't even worth watching for the novelty.

 

*Can we take a moment and talk about Mark Strong’s hair? Where did it come from? Where did it go? I had severe Jason Statham in London flashbacks.

 

The Title and Tagline Don't Make Sense

So, back in 2014 Australia gave us the film Kill Me Three Times. And (based on box-office numbers) it seems to have had such a limited release I imagine only those of us who have found it on Netflix know it exists. (Unless you’re a diehard Simon Pegg fan, then I’m pretty sure you knew about it while it was filming.)

Cut in what seems to be an unsuccessful homage to Memento, the story is disjointed but still managed to hold my attention.

Jack (Interesting-face from the Winter Soldier elevator scene) hires Charlie (Shawn not so dead) to kill his wife, Alice (the sniper from Predators) after he’s shown proof that she’s cheating on him with Dylan (Hemsworth the Elder).

At the same time Jack’s sister, Lucy (Warm Body #1) has found a solution to the gambling debt her husband Nathan (Snaggletooth from Blindspot) has heaped upon them.

Perhaps the thing that confused me the most about this movie is the Netflix description… which led me to believe it would be a free-for-all hit man smorgasbord. That is not at all what it is.

It begins with a monologue from the hit man that telegraphs two things:

1) he’s going to “die” at the end.

2) he’s probably not actually going to die at the end.

The follow-up is a pretty unnecessary scene illustrating that he is, in fact, a hit man (here let’s have him kill a random guy with no given reason). The only plus side I have to that particular segment is that it gives you some lovely views of his car… also, it’s short.

Was it worth an hour and a half of my time?

Yes.

Would I watch it again?

Probably.

But I’ve yet to meet a movie I didn’t have at least three problems with….

Here on, read at your own risk. Spoilers ahead.

The problem with the Memento-esque nature of the directorial choice is that the film is broken into strange segments that--while I’m sure attempted to provide one--fails to give the viewer a slowly-building reveal. The break and restart format comes across disjointed.

For half a moment, I thought the film was going in a Melinda, Melinda direction instead, or possibly something more akin to Go. Sadly, this was not the case, but the motivation for the sister to point her brother in the direction of the “specialist” a mere day before she plans to kill her sister in law doesn’t make any sense. It seems as though they planned something more involved, for later? If so, it was not clear enough. It feels like a plot thread that was left frayed and forgotten. I found myself wishing there was a perspective bounce instead of the randomly chosen information given at different times in the re-hash of the narrative.

Without the initial understanding of why Lucy and Nathan are trying to kill Alice too, things get confusing as soon as you couple the on-screen actions with the Netflix blurb. Lucy’s motivations aren’t clear, and her seemingly-bumbling husband’s interactions don’t make a lot of sense until things are rehashed in the third section. Without the initial character development, the second segment is one big question mark.

There are lots of ways to make me despise a character. While this movie manages to avoid the three cardinal sins. Jack plays into that eye-roll-worthy, and all-too-often seen in real life, role of the man who loves a woman more than anything in the world… and shows it by hitting her when she perpetuates the smallest slight. Swearing that you love your wife to the man you’ve just hired to kill her is a good way to prove it.

People do die in an almost-horror movie formula queue. There are eight named cast members and only two (and a half?) of them manage to survive. Pegg’s fate is left a question... like any good horror flick monster. Not that this was a horror flick, nor was he a typical monster.

Perhaps the most tragic death, though, was the drowning of that beautiful right hand drive beetle.

As with so many movies anymore, the HEA ending is marred by the simple fact that real issues are not addressed. There are a host of bodies at the end of this, all tied to the surviving characters, and no inclination of how on Earth they’re going to be explained/cleared up.

Movies I have no intention of seeing in July

Dunkirk - WWII is kind of a kill trigger for me anymore. If your book or movie is set in WWII, it better have something real special to recommend it. And if it’s another “hopeless war epic” it’s a hard pass for me. WWII has been so romanticised, so shoved down our throats… and yet, we’ve forgotten the things we should have learned from it. Don’t even get me started on the romanticisation of the Nazis. I don’t have time to go there.

I have no patience for it anymore.

War for the Planet of the Apes - I live in the real world. I don’t need another reminder that humans are shit.

The reasons I didn’t watch the movies preceding this one lie in my dislike of CGI-d anthropomorphized animal characters--which probably doesn’t make much sense, since I love me some aliens--and my severe dislike of James Franco. And there’s the added bonus of the fact I didn’t like the originals, or the 2001 Wahlberg reboot.

The Emoji Movie (Seriously?) - I don’t even have to see what the plot for this one is to be against it. I don’t know who greenlit this, or what the hell the state of cinema is coming to, but if this is the best someone had to offer….

Any more of this nonsense and we might want to raze hollywood to the ground.

Why Is It So Damned Hot?

 

I get that I really have no room to complain. I live in phoenix willingly, and this is my 12th summer here. I KNOW what I’m in for. But this is the first year I’ve had a garden. A beautiful, jungly garden.

A beautiful, jungly garden that is struggling hard. It’s hot enough the succulents are suffering.

In fact, the only things that seem to be thriving are the date palms, the corn, and the lemon tree.

Not even the drip system can keep up.

But hey, here’s some pictures of the place before it was ravaged by the harsh Arizona sun.

This Weekend’s Random Netflix Views

Aside from having Futurama and Star Trek Voyager on for background noise while cleaning, this weekend’s Netflix selections were things that have been on our list for ages.

 

The Rezort

After a nonsensical found-footage style opening (that I still have no idea why they decided to add) the film was better than expected.

 

We watch a lot of Zombie movies. I honestly think we own over 100 of them. It’s Earl’s favorite genre, and there are a lot of films that tank for me simply for the fact that I’ve seen it before. (Honestly, this is why I didn’t watch anything past the first episode of the walking dead. The dearth of “already done” might have been homage, but it was way too much to make me care about continuing on.) This one had it’s familiar moments. There are things that you can’t get away from in the genre, but it was still a decently fresh take on a genre that is starting to rot by definition.

 

The trivia for this one on imdb says the filmmakers wanted a Zombie Jurassic Park feel and they definitely did that… toeing that line that separated them from a rip-off. The island “reveal” and the jeeps were a flinch point.

 

Random thing: I want to know why the 16 year olds were there without a chaperone, they were definitely not mature enough to be let out on their own.

 

The idea of the resort itself is… illogical. Even from a business standpoint. Even stepping away from the whole “murdering those who won’t be missed to keep their stock up” thing, this play on the safari-park is missing the redundancies that made Jurassic Park a little more believable from a Health and Safety standpoint. When you have a problem with protesters, you expect them to try something. Hubris is a bad business policy all around, but a Nedry style inside job is a thousand times more believable than this set-up.

 

And let’s talk about the rights of corpses. Exhumation of graves require family permission or a warrant. You cannot take an organ from the deceased unless they have given consent beforehand… I realize that this island probably doesn’t concern themselves with anything resembling that sort of regulation, but I’ll admit I was side-eying for that.

 

Also, let’s talk about Dougray Scott. I forget about him. Unless that man is on the screen in front of me (or has been very recently), I completely erase him from my mind. Dude was in Hitman, Mission Impossible 2, and Ever After… and his name is freaking cool, but I’m willing to bet I won’t remember him at all by Friday.

 

Knights of Badassdom

I remember wanting to see this when it came out and then… just forgetting. I’m good at that. LARPing is something I will never do for the same reason I’ll never go to a con in cosplay. The dedication that people put into those things is incredible and I have so much respect for that, but I have neither the energy, nor the anxiety medication to participate in such things.

 

While I love the over the top characters in this one, there were a few cringeworthy moments, where a character here and there felt like the butt of the wrong sort of joke. And I’m never a fan of the ex-becomes-a-real-demon thing. Were her reasons for dumping him eye-roll worthy? Sure. But the whole demonizing the ex-girlfriend angle is one of those things that promotes toxicity in relationships. Remember kids, media influences life influences media.

 

The monster at the end channeled old-school power rangers so hard, and I kind of loved it. But oh my god the “doom metal” at the end. I honestly just couldn’t.

 

 

If Dead Men Tell No Tales... Maybe This Should Have Been a Silent Film

Initially, I hadn’t planned on writing up my thoughts on this movie. But the more it macerated in the back of my brain, the less I could push it aside and focus on something else.

 

I would like to start by saying that the PotC movies are not the sort I walk into with any expectation other than being entertained. I don't plan on coming out of the theater with a sudden expansion of my knowledge on gender politics in the 1800s. And so, I enjoyed this one. But of course, my level of enjoyment comes with a whole lot of opinions on what was wrong.

 

While I realize that this film and the third film were released ten years apart, and that a “hey remember this?” opening sequence was necessary, it felt a little like the writer didn’t go back and remind themselves.

 

 

I was not a big fan of broody Will Turner

He'd been captain of the flying Dutchman for what... 9? years at that point? (I think the papers on the wall hinted that the kid was 8, idk)

 

Also, if the previous reasoning for Jones and his crew being all sea-creatured out was that he'd forsaken Calypso (and vise versa), why was Will going gilly at the beginning? This implies a similar situation with Elizabeth, and that doesn’t seem to have happened…

 

I REALLY wanted Will to rescue the kid, get to the surface and be like “GD-it NOT AGAIN!” like it was the fourth or fifth time he'd done it or something.

 

 

The kid they got to play Lil' Turner was a great choice physically (if Kira Knightley and Orlando bloom were to have had offspring, I’m sure one of them would have looked like an approximation of him). But he felt rather... lost in the plot. The movie was definitely more about Karina and Jack. And while that’s okay, it didn’t feel like it was intentional.

 

I appreciated the fact that though lil' turner wasn't super present, his bits in the plot were fun... and it was also great that he was not a actually good at the sea stuff (though one would assume that having a father who captains the Lost Dutchman and sniffing out sea legends would have made it a sailor’s life for him.)

 

 

Give me more of the witch

What little marketing I’d seen had me prepped and ready for the the McCartney cameo, but I was not expecting Golshifteh to show up (I’ve totally got a crush on her). So I was REALLY annoyed that the witch was basically forgotten after the midpoint. I’d assume they plan to do another movie (maybe two) wherein witchy-poo has a bigger chunk of the plot, but she felt like such a disappointing afterthought here.

 

 

CGI-d young Johnny Depp was bad

There were a half dozen jack sparrows at comicon that would have been amazing stand ins... there had to have been an actor somewhere out there that was the right approximation that they then could have dubbed JD’s voice over. Hell, get Penelope Cruz back.

 

 

Salazar and Silent Mary

Salazar and his crew were cool (if a little too much like the original cursed pirates), the missing pieces made them more ghost than Zombie, and that was lovely. LOVED the sharks, even if they were zombies.

 

Mostly, I liked that Salazar was the antagonist while he was still technically the good guy

 

I did not understand how Salazar knew the compass was his ticket out of the triangle... I did not understand how Salazar and the crew were certain he'd be unable to get out of lil' turner if he possessed him.... or even that that would work for walking on dry land. There were a lot of leaps there.

 

 

They could have done better

I would have liked the whole plot better if, in finding all his info on the legends, Henry had gone looking FOR Karina and the book. Like... he'd signed onto that ship to work the bilge in order to get to St Martin because he'd heard that she was there (and also, that maybe there would be info on Jack). Have them driven together PURPOSEFULLY.she can still escape from the jail and you can still have the bank robbery, but her finding him in the hospital/jail thing made little sense to me.

 

 

Random notes in no order at all

It's PotC, you expect something like the bank robbing scene. It is a given. However

there is a point at which the joke gets WAY too long and this one definitely did.

 

I did not see a reason for the weird wedding scene…

 

I loved the dividing of the sea and the curtain of water on either side.

 

The tonail thing physically hurt.

 

Also, I’m ashamed to say it took me far too long to get the whole Astronomy/breeding donkeys thing.

 

I did really enjoy the guillotine scene

 

The island of stars was really cool, and the parting of the seas was cooler… but the distance they'd have had to walk to get to the trident seems ridiculously far for the time in which they traverse it.

 

And I don't get how... if the trident broke all the curses... how Davey Jones would have come back

 

 

 

Movies I have no intention of seeing this month:

The Mummy - Aside from the fact that I loathe Tom Cruise (except in Edge of Tomorrow where he dies every ten seconds), this movie is a hard pass for me.

 

If I want to watch The Mummy, I’ll sit on my couch and fall right back in love with Evelyn Carnahan, thank you very much.

 

 

Rough Night - Very Bad Things meets Bridesmaids…. I don’t want to see this for the same reason I didn’t watch bridesmaids until a bachelorette weekend in 2013, and why I don’t even know what the Hangover sequels are about… or how many there are (I didn't watch the first one until it was on HBO Go).

 

I like dark comedies, a lot, but this sort of thing is boring. They arc just below the mark for me, and I’d rather watch something like Voices or Cabin Country, or Death at a Funeral (either one), or…. you know...Very Bad Things

 

 

47 Meters Down - I’ve never met a shark movie I liked. There are scarier things lurking in the depths of the oceans. Dark leviathans in the crushing black of Marianas Trench? Heck yes. Use that to scare the pants off of me. Sharks… meh.

 

On top of that, let’s talk numbers: your chances of being attacked by a shark are somewhere around 1 in 11 million. And getting killed by one? Something like 1 in 260 million.

I’m not saying you should hop into the middle of a shiver of sharks, but movies like this provide an unrealistic inflation of the danger. Genetically modify them or mutate them, and I’m less annoyed, and might watch to see just how bad the movie is... but when you’re playing with plain ol’ sharks, I just don’t care anymore.

 

 

Transformers the Last Knight - The trailer for this one looks like five different people wrote the movie without looking at each other's notes and then just smashed them together. Also, an Anthony Hopkins voice over of anything with horses and mecha is going to make me ask why there’s a random Thor trailer playing.

 

I’ve watched all the transformer movies to this point (I’m a glutton for HBO punishment) but the last one left off with unanswered questions that--as far as I can tell--won’t be addressed in this new one. I saw no sign of Sophia Myles in the trailer (but a whole lot of Peter Quill’s mom) and the supposed death of Bumblebee (no matter whether it happens or not is just ugly.

I’m kind of tired of the “hero does something despicable” trend lately.

 

I do appreciate the line “Never date a boy in a band, especially not a drummer” though.

Wonder of Wonders

 

So we went and saw Wonder Woman on Tuesday, something my situational anxiety almost stopped because of a pre-screening of The Mummy at our theater. A giant clump of people right at the entrance (and a line extending all the way through the courtyard and into the shopping center) almost had me turning on my heel and walking back home. But we had time for a margarita before hand, so that helped. And we watched it.

 

In a packed theater.

 

On a Tuesday.

 

Why are so many people at the theater on a Tuesday?

 

Small note, unrelated to the film itself: I hate when there’s more than 10 other people in a theater. You will inevitably have a talker, someone who can’t be bothered to turn their phone off… and worst of all: a clapper.

 

Clappers make me long for the days when chopping off hands was an acceptable punishment.

 

Now, onto my thoughts on the film:

 

Despite a dearth of advertising (at least I saw next to none), I have been incredibly excited about this movie from the moment WW dropped into the BvS trailer. (Also, did you notice she did that in this movie too? Pretty sure these guys needed her help more.) So I’m happy to say that I enjoyed this venture in the DC universe immensely.

 

Gal Gadot is a goddess. DC does not deserve her. Hell, we don’t deserve her. The difference between her character in this film and the one in BvS is a little startling. And I respect her as an actor so much for that. She portrays the slowly disillusioned young woman so well in this film that it’s almost hard to remember that she pragmatic and almost indifferent to our world in the previous appearance. If everything I’ve read so far is true, I will forever remain in awe of her.

 

The reversal of the stereotypical H/h arc was a treat. And I was very happy with (not captain america) Steve’s ability to adapt and stop trying to protect her when she clearly didn’t need it. Also, that he did so quickly

 

Not. All. White. Men. I loved the POC peppered into the background as well as those in the main group. They were there. You could not miss them. Historical fiction (in both film and books) in this country tend to give the illusion that POC did not really exist in early eras and it is asinine. (Though Chief did not make up for the blatant “disposable-ness” of Slipknot in Suicide Squad. I don’t care that it’s basically how he dies in the comics, it was an obvious kill, lazy bastards.)

 

Themyscira was lovely and gorgeous and I want a whole movie set there with all those awesome Amazonians doing Amazon-y things. Robin Wright *swoon* was marvelous and the beauty in the sheer amount of strength in that part of the cast made me incredibly happy. The only issue… I think they could have used a teensy bit more of their CGI budget on Hippolyta twist-jumping off her horse, because that was BAD. I snort-laughed.

 

Dr. Maru. Dr. Maru. Dr. Maru. A brilliant mind, influenced by a god, with the power to kill millions. I am infatuated with her as a character. If it wasn’t fiction… I’d be very worried that she’s not dealt with at the end of this film. But since it is… if they make a sequel I want her to come back so hard. Hopefully with a redemption arc. (But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t have it be another Cap ripoff and wind up with something like Zola) I love her drive, her perfectionism and her compulsion to complete what she’s started.

 

But everything has it’s own problems….

 

Ares was rolled up in one great and depressing ball of blah. He was great, because I did not suspect him. Always fantastic. But even when he went full god-mode, there was nothing really scary about him. There was a disconnect for me. His intentions didn’t feel deep enough for a god of war. But maybe that’s because so often, inhuman villains are unable to live up to the depravity of what humans themselves can create.

 

My friend Mr. Bray called him “the Junkyard God” and while that moniker takes me immediately to Hephaestus the scrappy nonsense of his armor gives no room for argument on that front. Here he is trying to seduce her over to his side and he can’t even conjure up the illusion of some bennies? The Amazons, for all that they are a warrior people, appreciate beauty. They’ve surrounded themselves by it. The first thing Diana remarks on when they arrive in London is how disgusting it is (and rightly so). And that might have helped my last point too. Evil is twice as scary when it comes to you with beauty, serenity, and seeming innocence.

 

Diana borders on the Born Sexy Yesterday trope.  And while her lack of situational intelligence is a product of the Amazon’s removal from the ever changing world, but also the ignorance her mother forced on her. (“Protecting” people by withholding information about themselves makes me so mad.) The only thing that saves this for me, is that her cultural misunderstandings are largely attributed to her common sense and commitment to justice.

 

Steve is not a sexy name (sorry if you were saddled with it). There’s no way to make screaming Steve at the heavens worthy of the passionate “this mortal I was falling in love with just died” they were going for. Also, I know it’s specific to the comics but couldn’t they have found another name? Steve-played-by-Chris was the first of the too-close-to-Cap story elements that bugged me. In fact….

 

Someone needs to take Zach Snyder aside (and yes, Allan Heinberg and Jason Fuchs, but at this point, I’m willing to blame Snyder for all of it) and ask them if it never occurred to them that setting the story in WWI instead of WWII wouldn’t fool anyone when they got to the “HUGE PLANE FILLED WITH BOMBS IS THE FUTURE” moment, or the “Sacrificial Steve” moment. There was no reason for this to suddenly feel like a Captain America ripoff. You are better than that. Wonder Woman deserved better than that.

 

 

And there you have my first impression. We’ll definitely be going to see it again.

 

 

As an aside:

 

After Dead Pool, I do the *slappy hand* "Super hero landing. Super hero landing!" whenever one is obviously coming. So when she did the one all super slow one at the conclusion of the god-battle and it ends with some subtly dramatic (but quiet) music. I had a hard to hold in the ridiculous laughter that spurred.