I don’t like bugs.
90% of that dislike/fear of bugs comes from the simple fact that they have exoskeletons. This is a phenomenon that is, frankly, unnatural and an abomination!
Dragonflies have always been one of the things that have given me a bit more grief than other insects have. I think this is in part because when I was little I convinced myself that they have super powers. That’s right people! Dragonflies have mind control and teleportation abilities.
One minute they’re over there, buy that tree and then *pop, zazzle* they’re right next to our g-d face! And there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re a puny little mortal with no superpowers of your own unless you count running and screaming like the little girl you are. But those freaking things cut you off at every pass, keeping you from escape, when all you want to do is go hide under your bed in the safety of your house.
But why would your house be safe? These freaking things can teleport! I think it’s the four wing thing. I mean why would they need four freaking wings just to fly? That has to be the explanation. If the idea of getting close enough to actually touch one of them didn’t send my heart into arrhythmia I’d probably test that theory (or just try to kill them all – ooo! Can that be the next evolution of pokemon? “Dragonflymon – Gotta Kill ‘em All!”)
Back to why houses are safe: Glass. Glass is the one thing through which their mind control doesn’t work. It’s like dragonfly kryptonite… have you ever seen the end result of a dragonfly vs. windshield? The results are not pretty (unless you really like the color of bug guts smeared by windshield wipers mixed with glass cleaning solution). It is my belief that their mind control powers are linked to their teleportation. They need to be able to lock on to your brain waves to teleport near you. Thus Glass keeps them out! So people living in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, because then the dragonflies could get in!
The presence of a dragonfly this morning sparked panic in me. Earl, not yet understanding the ways of dragonflies had to be educated! After that education though, things took a turn for the worse.
When I explained to him that things with exoskeletons are inherently bad, but things with exoskeletons that fly are inherently worse, he decided he’d give me an option.
Earl: Would you rather there be a dragonfly out there? Or a coconut crab…
Amy: The crab. (I mean, yeah, they can climb trees, but whatever, I can never leave the car. They won’t be climbing up the side of the car, after all)
Earl: … that can fly?
I swear to you. I nearly died.
If you’ve never seen a coconut crab, they look like this:
Or this:
Imagine that thing being able to fly… I did. Now imagine that lovely ... ahem, little… guy and his can opener-like claws peeling back the roof of the car and you’ll be close to where I was in my thought processes…. I – kid you not – cried.
This is the largest land-living arthropod in the world. They actually drown in water, so my strategy, should I ever encounter one is to kick it into the nearest body of water and take pleasure as the air bubbles slowly dissipate.
I know that they don’t feed on humans (I’m not stupid) but let me tell you… Wikipedia does not help to assuage my fears…
The diet of Coconut crabs consists primarily of fleshy fruits…
FLESHY!
FLESHY? Really!?!
I hate the word flesh to begin with, and now you’re equating the primary food choice of this monstrosity to my skin! It’s a freaking zombie crab (except it’s not dead) and I’m just trying to get through my day without panicking that one’s been set loose under my desk! (Yes, I did just have to check again to make sure.)
Heck, these things are used to guard coconut plantations because of their “intimidating size and strength” and frankly… I’d run from one of these a lot faster than I’d run from a Rottweiler – at least they’ve got cuddle potential.
I need to quit talking about this… it’s making my skin crawl. Just watch out for those dragonflies next time you’re out… they’re trixy little buggars.
