Evil Dead

An addict’s brother and friend’s journey to a cabin deep in the woods to help her get clean, but when one of them finds and reads from a book made from sewn skin, they evoke a curse that could kill them all.

My Thoughts:

I wasn’t too impressed with this flick, so I’m just going to bullet point the thoughts…

·                     There was too much gore. I wasn’t scared so much as reacting with an empathetic pain response. I don’t mind gore… but this was splatterpunk to the extreme.

·                     The meeting of the requirement for the 5^th soul was confusing. Who was it? Why didn’t burying his sister work? It didn’t hold together well enough for me to know what was going on.

·                     Serious brutalization of the girls. Why do the guys hold up better/longer? Why weren’t they as brutalized? I’m never impressed when a movie falls into this sort of a trope.

·                     What was with the Jerad Leto and Zoe Saldana rip-offs? I mean, I knew they weren’t those two actors, but it almost felt like they were trying to make you think that’s who they’d cast.

·                     Bruce Campbell cameo at the very end was amusing. But it only served to highlight the fact that the original movie(s) were undoubtedly better.

·                     Not, imo, appropriate for 8-year old little girls. One of the other 9 people in the theater with us could not have been over the age of 8, sitting with her (dad?).

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Left in the woods as children, Hansel and Gretel are captured by a witch who lives in a house made of candy. But before she can eat them they manage to knock her into her own oven, escaping death. Now, grown up and with a reputation as the baddest witch hunters around, they’ve come to a small village where children are disappearing at an alarming rate – and in unusual ways. But figuring out what this witch wants will prove what they knew of their past to be wrong, and could alter their future for good… or evil.

My Thoughts:

This could have been retitled: Gretel and her brother who must have a weapon on his shoulder AT ALL TIMES. He’s got a gun perched there whenever he can, and when he loses his gun, he’ll pick up the nearest piece of timber. It was a subtle thing that I found remarkably funny.

The Dialog is weird at first, but once you realize it’s a cheesy comedy, we’re good. It actually improves things a bit. Oddly most of the oddity (and eventual awesomeness) comes in Jeremy Renner’s lines.

I would have preferred a less rote opening sequence. More explanation of what the Hell a “Granwitch” is, and can I get one at the local Deli? Or is it more like the Broodwitch? Also, a little more about the sugar sickness would have been great. For instance, how is it that there’s such a high prevalence of sugar sickness that it’s just a “thing” in the film? Are there that many kids getting away from witches?

CREEP-O FAN KID ALERT! There’s something to be said for hero-worship. There’s something else entirely to be said for getting too  friendly in your “cleaning” of a girl who’s passed out. I wasn’t really sure what was going on with him. We’re introduced to him as he steals milk from a village stall, and then he’s the uber-nerd of the village/pervert, and then he’s totally okay with the “Glinda” character, and then he’s suddenly a part of the team. His inclusion mostly just confused me.

I did not think the Sheriff was going to go out that quickly. I enjoy Peter Stormare as an actor. I did not like his mustache. There is something enjoyable about a chick beating the crap out of a prick, and so Gretel’s treatment of him was comical. But I expected her to save him. To give himself a chance to redeem himself… so his death was surprising – but not unwelcome..

In All honesty, I do think they could have sub-titled the movie “Who the fuck is Edward?” But why is it the troll had to have such a boring name as that? Also, when did Gretel decide that a troll was the best thing to just FLOP down on? and since when do we assume Trolls are good pillows?

This flick had some of the best approaches to fight scenes I’ve seen in ages. I was really happy with the fact that each fight saw the siblings getting their asses handed to t hem. The “Roll in like a badass” foiling at the end is probably my favorite, though. It’s one of those things that has always bothered me about fight scenes. I’m sure there’s some tactical advantage to rolling through that door… but EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT AT THIS POINT. So I was happy to see the baddie prepared.

Dredd 3D

 

On what seems to be a routine drug bust in the Peach Trees Mega Block, Judge Dredd and his on-assessment Rookie Judge Anderson, find their names on the top of Ma-Ma’s hit list. With the mega block in defcon lockdown, the two judges will be their only back up as they work their way through the swarms of gang members on the hunt for them. Pretty soon they realize, their only way out alive is to go for Ma-Ma herself.

 

My Thoughts:

This movie came out feeling like Art -house-goes-Gorehouse. Most of the 3D sequences feel like someone wanted to make the experience of Slo-mo to feel like a surrealist painting… on high saturation. And while I think the fuzz of this effect was a little eye-bobbling, I liked it as a method of immersing the audience in an aspect of the drug – affecting several sensory reactions.

The judge on judge action – and if you pay attention to the credits, you’ll find its Karl on Karl action – was pretty fun, even though it was hard to keep track of who was who (trying to keep track of that perpetual scowl is a little dizzying).

I’m happy to see that skate culture is still alive and well in the future – though their choice of venue is less than desirable. I have a feeling the conceptual artists looked to the suspended tennis court in Dubai for a large part of their inspiration on that.

The techie (Bill Weasley, anyone?) was an interesting character. His eyes were really cool, though they made mine hurt. And after finding out that Ma-Ma basically tore his previous eyes out, it is an interesting idea that he wouldn’t find a way to ignore some things… I would have felt like his character was more of a victim if he’d tried to ignore the fact that Caleb got nabbed… but someone else points it out and he has to tell Ma-Ma or else look like he was trying to hurt her enterprise.

 

I was not expecting them to show Ma-Ma’s death… the actual moment of impact, I mean. There were a few brief seconds, where I thought they were going to show it from the side, and I honestly questioned how they were going to accomplish that and not make it look incredibly cheesy. The face into the camera choice was a better one, imo, and it lent itself to the general Art/Gore feeling the movie has in general.

And if nothing else… I’m really happy in the upgrade from the previous Dredd uniform. (Cod-pieces should never come back into style. EVER.)

Run Time: 95 minutes

Prometheus

Overall:

It’s a decent enough movie – when removed from the Alien universe – but overall disappointing. I left the theater feeling rather unfulfilled. The cinematography and visual effects are beautiful… but the storyline felt hollow.  I’m not sure what you should expect from the lead writer of Lost… and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by the incoherent feeling of something unfinished.

What It Had Going For It:

It bridged the gap (visually) between this new set of films and the old. There is a distinct “clean” quality to the ship – which makes sense as Vickers says, they did spend a trillion dollars getting there – and it speaks to what I think Human society sees as that best possible future. Clean, crisp and orderly. And as they venture further into the complex, from the rough hewn rock to the engineers’ ship, we start to see more of the classic H. R. Giger inspired architecture. Things aren’t crisp white, they aren’t smooth… they’re organic looking and yet, they’re so far beyond our scope of technology.

The first “alien” on screen was pleasantly creepy, and I’d hoped that the progression would continue on in an escalating manner until we hit the big payoff of the iconic Alien (In the next section, you’ll see I was disappointed.)

Set conceptualization was glorious and would have leant itself to an immense amount of tension building (had it not been for the score).  There is something to be said for creating a setting that is massive… and yet claustrophobic all at the same time.

Michael Fassbender as David. There’s something incredibly beautiful about the childlike portrayal of David. He’s curious – often doing what he’s told not to for no other apparent reason than scientific exploration. He seems to seek acceptance, dying his hair to look more emulate his favorite character, Peter O’toole, in Lawrence of Arabia. He is retaliatory, seemingly punishing a character for being mean to him – though he does ask for permission first. All the while he does this without displaying emotion… or in the case of the latter, remorse. He is eerily human and not human all at the same time.

The Problems:

Smart people making horror-movie decisions. (That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.)

The beginning and end. I feel like the middle of this movie was pretty awesome. But it was dragged down by the bookends. The movie has two pointless beginning scenes including an engineer dying (I guess to create life on Earth? maybe) and an archaeological dig – the gist of which is adequately explained ten minutes later during the mission briefing. It feels almost as though there are three endings: a sacrifice, a vendetta, and an Alien. And I feel that they could have had one shot after Janek and the two other crew sacrifice themselves, to ground the film and ended on a much more poignant note (and still kept the story line open for the sequel they’ve obviously tried to make apparent).

There was no tension. A lot of this was the heavy handed orchestral score. The original movies were very quiet… and the moments of silence served to amp up the tension, where the soundtrack for Prometheus, while stunningly beautiful, doused any chance for push-you-into-your-seat-back tension. Part of the reason there was so little tension is also resultant of my next point.

The “aliens” weren’t scary. When you go back to the original xenomorphs from Alien… you have a super-scary antagonist. If I came across one of those in the middle of a corridor (no matter how well lit), I’d be scared to widdling. The progression to the xenomorph in Prometheus… is alien after alien that would eat me, but not before I’d laughed at it. And that was disappointing. And the “Engineers”… well, they make me think someone from a Tool music Video got lost, wound up on set and the production team rolled with it.

Outside of stylistic choices, the surviving character isn’t going to make it to her destination before she dies of sepsis or internal bleeding. There is a portion of the story where Noomie Rapace’s character gives herself what basically amounts to an emergency cesarean, and while, the surgery itself is believable, and was a decent way to deal with the problem… she goinks the umbilical cord out and the machine doing the surgery does nothing to seal that up before it’s stapling her stomach shut again. She then proceeds to spend the rest of the movie running about, giving herself one pain stim (or at least I assume). While she does exhibit random “ouch, that was painful” faces, nothing else seems to be a problem. And let’s face it: running away from an alien launch pad is bound to knock something loose.

I actually have quite a few more things to say about this film… but the post was getting long, so this is where I’m going to leave you.

Run Time: 124 minutes

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Cabin In the Woods

Cabin in the Woods



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Why I saw it: Honestly, the main reason I saw this one was because the BF loves anything even hinting at the realm of horror. And I was willing to go because I figured Joss Whedon wouldn’t do me wrong.

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What I thought: I was pleasantly not freaked out at any point in the movie… though I’m not sure that’s what they were going for. I’m not the sort who has a super high tolerance for horror. Certain movies (not to be named here) have had me with a vice grip on the BF’s arm that resulted in bruising – he deserved it – I don’t think I flinched once. But to be fair it seemed more like a dissection and homage to horror than anything else. The twist at the end was something that even I (a serial plot ruiner) didn’t see coming.

Run Time: 95 minutes

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Killer Elite

Out of the game hitman, Danny, is pulled back in for one last job to save his friend’s life. The job isn’t one he’d take if Hunter’s life wasn’t on the line: Killing 3 British SAS officers isn’t going to be a walk in the park for anyone – no matter their skill set.

With the help of two pals from the old days, Danny sets about getting the soldier’s confessions and making their death’s look like accidents. Unbeknownst to Danny, the Feather Men, a society of Ex-SAS, are tracking his movements and trying to save the lives of their brethren. Killing the elite is not a task for the faint of Heart.

My Thoughts:

I haven’t read the novel this is adapted from, and I don’t know that I will. I’m not always a fan of fiction based on true events like this, especially when the author is a part of the story. Also, this is one of those movies, where I don’t really know who to root for. I know Jason Statham’s character is supposed to be the hero (or in this case the anti-hero) but I can’t really find a reason to like him for what he’s doing. Sure, he’s trying to save his friend’s life, but I don’t think that’s enough in this case. You have a dying man who wants his son’s avenged – and I’m of the opinion that in War-time there are unfortunate and often avoidable deaths that can’t be  tried in a normal manner. And I don’t see much of any reason to care who wins on either side.

Making the deaths look like an accident is… odd. Honeslty, the second death – faking hypothermia – is the only one that I think they did right. In the first instance, they took the time to get the tile’s matched and glue them to a hammer… but they didn’t take the time to make the hammer consistent with the shape of the shower’s lip? You have a flat corner… that you’re trying to emulate with a pointed hammer? And the third death, while, sure it looks like an accident. I’ll give you that, it’s an incredibly dick move to put that man’s death on someone else’s conscience. I realize you’re hitmen, but have a little respect.

Dominic Purcell could not have looked more creep-tastic…. Unless maybe if they’d given him pedo tendancies. I know it’s the 80’s when this is taking place, but I feel like his character never left the seventies. It simply feels wrong.  

Runtime: 116 minutes

Blitz

When a killer goes on a spree targeting coppers, London’s least reputable detective, Tom Brant, is put on the case. While “The Blitz” seems to slip through his grasp at each turn, Brant realizes his focus is on his precinct and while he knows exactly who the killer is, his hands are tied by the very law he’s sworn to uphold.

The problems:

There were several points when Statham’s five o’clock shadow looked painted on. I’m not sure if they actually did airbrush it, or what, but it was distracting.

The introduction of the friend/partner whose wife has just died isn’t done very well. I didn’t even realize he was a copper until he shows up at the department wanting to get back to work.

Each time they said Barry Weiss’s name I immediately thought of Berry Weiss – the Leinenkuegel beer, and while I found that mildly amusing, I also found it a little distracting.

What I liked:

There's a part in Blitz where Statham's character passes out at his partner’s house and the next morning. He's like.... Did you interfere with me last night? (the partner being gay) and partner looks at him like, really? and says. "I held back". I found that part to be hilarious – mostly the look on the guy’s face. And I thought... I don't know that Statham is many gay men's type...  though really, what would I know about that?

I enjoyed that – in the end – Weiss set himself up so perfectly for his own demise.

Overall:

It’s not a great movie, by any means, but it’s decent enough. There are some very brutal moments, ones that make me glad I’ve not made anyone with a crowbar angry lately; though I do love the line about “A mix between hockey and murder.” And honestly, this movie has a really bad message, but if you ignore that, it’s a decent enough film.

Run Time: 97 minutes

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Conan the Barbarian

Overall:  

You couldn’t really go downhill from the Arnold version, and this one didn’t it’s decently done for a story where the initial source material had as much intelligible dialog as a conversation between infants.

What I liked:

The matte paintings of the cities were pretty freaking gorgeous. I’m a sucker for beautifully done cityscapes, I won’t lie. These places are rough and tumble and I’d likely end up someone’s slave in a little over three minutes, but I still want to go there because they are gorgeous (granted, I’m sure they smell awful).

The sand men were a pretty cool take on a concept that could have come across as tired and worn. They were just unique enough to keep me from being bored with them. I think I would have liked for them to be a bit bigger of a plot device though, not just that one scene.

Rose McGowan’s character was a perfect mix of “I want to please daddy” and creep factor. I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling that might be all she’s going to be good at anymore. It worked for her in this film, and I think it would serve her well to seek out more of this type of roll.

The Problems:

Some of the dialog came across SUUUUUUUUUUUUPER stilted. I realize that they didn’t have contractions back in the day that this sort of thing is set in, and part of it was delivery on the actor’s parts. But it wasn’t awful, just caught me up occasionally.

I felt like it needed more time to tell the story in, as it was it felt rushed for as grand a tale as it is. I think that, had they had a little more time, this movie could have been immensely better.

Other, random thoughts:

Am I the only one who noticed an odd number of Game of Thrones parallels? Conan is Drogo, Artus is Xaro Xhoan Daxos, and Someone dies with molten metal poured over their head… and there are other things that I’m forgetting as I write this… I’ll come back and update once I remember them.

Runtime: 113 minutes

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Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil

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Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil is a comedy of errors with horrific consequences.

Overall:

This movie takes the horror formula and provides an incredibly hilarious take on what’s actually going on. It’s still gory, but there’s something incredibly endearing about the aftermath of each death.

What it had going for it:

This movie managed to not take itself too seriously… and at the same time it didn’t devolve into blatant stupidity.

It took a relatively tired genre, and managed to integrate a humorous tone that made a rather over-done story line far from boring.

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Tucker and Dale themselves are well developed characters who make being a “hillbilly” not seem so bad. They’re still two best friends trying to have a weekend to themselves that goes terribly awry.

The problems:

Allison, the female lead is a college student getting her bachelor’s in psychology. And at a pivotal point in the story, she tries to use the knowledge she’s gained through her schooling to defuse the situation. It doesn’t work, and not necessarily because of her influence, but I think that anyone would agree, she’d better be in her first term… otherwise, she needs to pick a different major, or transfer to a different school, because she doesn’t know jack about counseling. Basically, what I’m getting at, is that this aspect of the character could have been better fleshed out.

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The other college kids aren’t fleshed out more than their archetypical skeletons.

The film starts out with the revelation of the “killer” through “found footage” (sort of) and then flashes back to “3 days earlier” and continues on until you meet up. I felt that this could easily have been left out and not been detrimental. As it was, I knew who the “killer was” immediately upon seeing him after that cut. Which may not be a big deal for other people, but it was a bit of a buzz kill for me.

Run Time: 89 minutes

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The Warrior's Way

When Jang becomes the world’s greatest swordsman, and makes the choice to spare the life of the last remaining member of a warring clan – a baby girl – he climbs to the top of his own clan’s hit list. Fleeing to Lode (Paris of the West) he and the baby settle into a quiet life among the town folk. But Lynn, a girl with her own tragic past, won’t let him for get his, and when the man who killed her entire family and left her for dead returns, he’ll reveal himself by saving her.

My Thoughts:

This movie feels a little as though someone threw Bunraku, Sukiyaki Western Django, and Crouching Tiger into a blender and this is what they came back with. As I like all three of those films, I enjoy this one as well, and it’s different enough in plot that I don’t mind the other similarities.

I appreciate that – with the exception of Jang, his master, and the previous “Greatest swordsman in the world” all of the other clan members are faceless. I enjoy thinking of them as one giant entity that has only a few distinct individuals.

I know why he’s leaving the kid with Lynn… but at the same time that’s kind of a crappy end for her. “Hey, I’m leaving now. You don’t get to come with me and oh, take care of this baby.” I realize, sure she kind of owes him… but at the same time…

The colonel seems to really enjoy torso shots.

Run Time: 100 Minutes

Bunraku

In a world without guns, the woodcutter is the most powerful man west of the Atlantic. This has made him many enemies. Two drifters arrive in town both with similar, yet different goals. Both with a grudge against the woodcutter… both likely to die without the others help.

The Problems:

There is a point, at which, Josh Hartnett’s character goes up against one of the killers one on one, and they set up for what could be an awesome trapeze battle… but the buildup is all for naught. I get what they’re going for, with the idea that the hero can’t be good at everything, but in something like this, where the story is a little cartoonish in and of itself, it would have been amazing to see a choreographed trapeze fight. I guess I’ll just have to hold my breath on that one until I can find one in another movie.

Demi Moore’s character dies at the end of the film… at least, I think she does? The death itself is so quick, and then so quickly overlooked to get to the “big fight” at the end, that it felt really hollow, and meaningless. When it shouldn’t have, because her character has just managed to drag herself out of her own defeatist outlook on life and sacrifices herself by getting a pair of scissors to save another girl. It just felt wrong to end her like that.

What I liked:

The film has a very visually enticing quality. It’s somewhere between stage-production and Pop-up book. And they used lighting in a way very reminiscent of stage production, which I heartily enjoyed. It’s something I haven’t seen much of in the way of film and it made the movie a lot more fun than I think it might have been otherwise. Sure, they could have done the film a different way, played it much more “straight” but as it is, I think it’s amazing in its novelty factor.

The cast is Lovely. Kevin McKidd as Killer Number 2 was a lot of fun. He was a villain I enjoyed for the pure audacity of him. He’s smug and a smooth talker, who can kick your ass, all without dislodging his pince-nez. Woody Harrelson isn’t as goofy as he usually is, playing the sedate, limping bartender, but he’s got an air of that child-like nature to him, that you see any time someone picks a fight around him.

Oh, and I really want a translucent claw-foot tub now.

Overall:

I’m telling anyone I know who likes films to watch this. I feel like – as long as you don’t mind a little violence – it’s definitely worth your time.

Run Time: 124 minutes

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The Expendables

A group of mercenaries are hired to take out the dictator-like authority on a small island, and find there’s more at stake than losing their paychecks.

  

The Problems:

OMG. Mickey Rourke "Tattoos" the "ables" part on the end of stallone's "Expendables” back piece.... With no stencil... in all of 10 seconds.... and then Stallone just puts a shirt on over it.... WTF?  Mr. Stallone. You directed, produce, wrote and starred in this film. YOU HAVE TATTOOS. You should know that what you just tried to sell me as an authentic tattoo session was so bogus I just can’t even talk about it. There was no attempt at making it feel real.

 I didn't think the Lacy storyline was necessary at all. Like. What the heck was she even there for? Just to get beat up? I know, it was to give Statham’s character depth or whatever but she felt like filler that they ran out of time to make relevant. There was no real resolution to her in the plot. She was just there as like... their token romance? Since the whole Sandra thing didn't have a chance of working out. And I know she's in the next one, but still.

What I liked:

 I was really happy that Stallone wasn’t some badass that took Steve Austin to school, because let’s face it, Sly’s not the ripest peach on the tree. So, when it comes down to their fight, I was very happy to see Stallone have his ass handed to him. Not because I want evil to prevail, but I’m glad to see he didn’t write himself a part that was unrealistic simply for vanity’s sake.

And that’s probably one of the things that makes this a good movie, the fact that it doesn’t try to be more than it is. It’s an action movie, with more action stars than you’re like to see in a long while (or, you know, until the sequel), and it doesn’t waste time trying to be more. It’s a simple plot, with a lot of shoot em up/blow shit up/save the day antics. And that works for this movie.

Run Time: 103 Minutes

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