Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Left in the woods as children, Hansel and Gretel are captured by a witch who lives in a house made of candy. But before she can eat them they manage to knock her into her own oven, escaping death. Now, grown up and with a reputation as the baddest witch hunters around, they’ve come to a small village where children are disappearing at an alarming rate – and in unusual ways. But figuring out what this witch wants will prove what they knew of their past to be wrong, and could alter their future for good… or evil.

My Thoughts:

This could have been retitled: Gretel and her brother who must have a weapon on his shoulder AT ALL TIMES. He’s got a gun perched there whenever he can, and when he loses his gun, he’ll pick up the nearest piece of timber. It was a subtle thing that I found remarkably funny.

The Dialog is weird at first, but once you realize it’s a cheesy comedy, we’re good. It actually improves things a bit. Oddly most of the oddity (and eventual awesomeness) comes in Jeremy Renner’s lines.

I would have preferred a less rote opening sequence. More explanation of what the Hell a “Granwitch” is, and can I get one at the local Deli? Or is it more like the Broodwitch? Also, a little more about the sugar sickness would have been great. For instance, how is it that there’s such a high prevalence of sugar sickness that it’s just a “thing” in the film? Are there that many kids getting away from witches?

CREEP-O FAN KID ALERT! There’s something to be said for hero-worship. There’s something else entirely to be said for getting too  friendly in your “cleaning” of a girl who’s passed out. I wasn’t really sure what was going on with him. We’re introduced to him as he steals milk from a village stall, and then he’s the uber-nerd of the village/pervert, and then he’s totally okay with the “Glinda” character, and then he’s suddenly a part of the team. His inclusion mostly just confused me.

I did not think the Sheriff was going to go out that quickly. I enjoy Peter Stormare as an actor. I did not like his mustache. There is something enjoyable about a chick beating the crap out of a prick, and so Gretel’s treatment of him was comical. But I expected her to save him. To give himself a chance to redeem himself… so his death was surprising – but not unwelcome..

In All honesty, I do think they could have sub-titled the movie “Who the fuck is Edward?” But why is it the troll had to have such a boring name as that? Also, when did Gretel decide that a troll was the best thing to just FLOP down on? and since when do we assume Trolls are good pillows?

This flick had some of the best approaches to fight scenes I’ve seen in ages. I was really happy with the fact that each fight saw the siblings getting their asses handed to t hem. The “Roll in like a badass” foiling at the end is probably my favorite, though. It’s one of those things that has always bothered me about fight scenes. I’m sure there’s some tactical advantage to rolling through that door… but EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT AT THIS POINT. So I was happy to see the baddie prepared.