Movies I have no intention of seeing this month:

The Mummy - Aside from the fact that I loathe Tom Cruise (except in Edge of Tomorrow where he dies every ten seconds), this movie is a hard pass for me.

 

If I want to watch The Mummy, I’ll sit on my couch and fall right back in love with Evelyn Carnahan, thank you very much.

 

 

Rough Night - Very Bad Things meets Bridesmaids…. I don’t want to see this for the same reason I didn’t watch bridesmaids until a bachelorette weekend in 2013, and why I don’t even know what the Hangover sequels are about… or how many there are (I didn't watch the first one until it was on HBO Go).

 

I like dark comedies, a lot, but this sort of thing is boring. They arc just below the mark for me, and I’d rather watch something like Voices or Cabin Country, or Death at a Funeral (either one), or…. you know...Very Bad Things

 

 

47 Meters Down - I’ve never met a shark movie I liked. There are scarier things lurking in the depths of the oceans. Dark leviathans in the crushing black of Marianas Trench? Heck yes. Use that to scare the pants off of me. Sharks… meh.

 

On top of that, let’s talk numbers: your chances of being attacked by a shark are somewhere around 1 in 11 million. And getting killed by one? Something like 1 in 260 million.

I’m not saying you should hop into the middle of a shiver of sharks, but movies like this provide an unrealistic inflation of the danger. Genetically modify them or mutate them, and I’m less annoyed, and might watch to see just how bad the movie is... but when you’re playing with plain ol’ sharks, I just don’t care anymore.

 

 

Transformers the Last Knight - The trailer for this one looks like five different people wrote the movie without looking at each other's notes and then just smashed them together. Also, an Anthony Hopkins voice over of anything with horses and mecha is going to make me ask why there’s a random Thor trailer playing.

 

I’ve watched all the transformer movies to this point (I’m a glutton for HBO punishment) but the last one left off with unanswered questions that--as far as I can tell--won’t be addressed in this new one. I saw no sign of Sophia Myles in the trailer (but a whole lot of Peter Quill’s mom) and the supposed death of Bumblebee (no matter whether it happens or not is just ugly.

I’m kind of tired of the “hero does something despicable” trend lately.

 

I do appreciate the line “Never date a boy in a band, especially not a drummer” though.