Overall:
You couldn’t really go downhill from the Arnold version, and this one didn’t it’s decently done for a story where the initial source material had as much intelligible dialog as a conversation between infants.
What I liked:
The matte paintings of the cities were pretty freaking gorgeous. I’m a sucker for beautifully done cityscapes, I won’t lie. These places are rough and tumble and I’d likely end up someone’s slave in a little over three minutes, but I still want to go there because they are gorgeous (granted, I’m sure they smell awful).
The sand men were a pretty cool take on a concept that could have come across as tired and worn. They were just unique enough to keep me from being bored with them. I think I would have liked for them to be a bit bigger of a plot device though, not just that one scene.
Rose McGowan’s character was a perfect mix of “I want to please daddy” and creep factor. I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling that might be all she’s going to be good at anymore. It worked for her in this film, and I think it would serve her well to seek out more of this type of roll.
The Problems:
Some of the dialog came across SUUUUUUUUUUUUPER stilted. I realize that they didn’t have contractions back in the day that this sort of thing is set in, and part of it was delivery on the actor’s parts. But it wasn’t awful, just caught me up occasionally.
I felt like it needed more time to tell the story in, as it was it felt rushed for as grand a tale as it is. I think that, had they had a little more time, this movie could have been immensely better.
Other, random thoughts:
Am I the only one who noticed an odd number of Game of Thrones parallels? Conan is Drogo, Artus is Xaro Xhoan Daxos, and Someone dies with molten metal poured over their head… and there are other things that I’m forgetting as I write this… I’ll come back and update once I remember them.
Runtime: 113 minutes
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